Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Kithkerkora's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, September 13th, 2006
7:05 pm	An update from the elusive Feline. So... here it is bluntly, the latest news: 1. I've been bi forever. Been wondering recently if I'm even still attracted to men. 2. I'm into BDSM, and am holding an interview for my submissive pet on saturday. 3. I'm a furrie. yay. i believe the term for me would be something like Tigris Draconis 4. Pissed off at my roomate. She's hardly and sporadically here, and when she is, she wants to sleep.... and wants me to leave to do work elsewhere. Not an issue normally, but in this small house, there really ain't much of a place to go. blah blah....blah. so many roomate issues, so glad I'm living in a single next semester. I keep weird hours that cut my days and nights in half, but that's just me. 5. Problem with possibly being a lesbian.... I have a boyfriend. and I'm struggling not to fall for his best friend who's also a lesbian. I don't know why I bother updating this shit. Oh well, that's the news. I miss Montana even though there's almost never anyone to hang out with. And don't say there is, cuz there's not thanks to schedules and what not. I'd rather just be out on the ranch taking care of the animals. Current Mood: blah Current Music: "Tokoyo Drift" (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 27th, 2006
9:28 pm	I'm here in Indiana. yay. Sarcasm has permeated everything like the goddamned humidity. joe's aloof tonight. don't know why. if he won't tell me if it's something I've done, then I shouldn;t worry. but it still bugs me. I dropped two pants sizes by eating our cafeteria food. wtf? my roomate has an accent. I pick it up when she's around. sounds funny as hell. Current Mood: blank Current Music: The Venture Bros. (Comment on this)
Monday, July 10th, 2006
11:44 pm	Man... not happy. I wish that I could just go out and have fun in a big city on my own. I'm not the sort of person who gets into things I can't handle, I don't talk to strange men. Goddamn it. I want to go to Chicago, and have fun, but I don't really have any friends who can do that with me because well, hell, I'm not exactly outgoing. I made appointments that I now have to break, and I think I'm going to vomit. Sigh... I know Dad cares, and that's wonderful, but man... It's only 24 hours, I wanted to see the Indian District of Chicago with a friend of mine, and now I can't do that. I don't want to go up and stay at someone's house, I hate being a houseguest, I really really hate it, because even though I am greatful for the generosity, it's a real pain in the ass, because you can go out and have fun, but you can't bring the fun back to the house. It's like now, you can't have friends anymore unless you met them through college or have known them for years. It's so frustrating to be older of soul, mind, and ready to be meeting new friends (and you can do that in college) but you can't do that when you're at home. it's a step back, and as much as I love my parents, i just... want .... DAMN IT ALL I WANTED WAS A LAYOVER IN CHICAGO. I needa go get trashed... wait.. can't happen... no one to go with. None of my friends are here, and the two or three that are dont' have time to even call and say hi. Fuck it. Tomarrow, I'm gonna find a buyer and get trashed on my own. abso-fucking-lutely drunk as a skunk by my self. Not healthy, but damn it I needa do SOMETHING aisde from housework and work work and sit online. Though knowing me, I'll be online while I'm drinking. I'm worried about my friends in other places, they're having major issues.. one's dying, and I can't do a damned thing about it. He's such a great person with so much to bring to the world, and he just got married, and aaaiiiyyyy. I'm going to visit my cousin... yay..... that will be nice, though I'm not much up to hang out and have plans botched again. it seems like whenever we make plans, they always fall through, she's tired, she's sick, her boyfriend's having a crisis, it's... bleh.... I wanna ... I'd say I wanna go home, but I'm already here. I wish a friend had time to hang out. My head and heart feel like someone beat them with a meat tenderizer. Current Mood: aggravated Current Music: My dog snoring (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 25th, 2006
3:22 pm	Ok story shifted. Had a great time with the sub from GF, heard from boyfriend who is now taking care of my frog. Frog can noweat worms, not just larvae and guppies. whoopie! Um.... I've got my life planned out enough to where I can achieve my goals and dreams. I hope it works. Don't know what boyfriend is feeling, never do, but that's life. Been working out like mad, like every other fucking second of the day that I'm not doing something else. Feelin good and lookin good. went to Pride last weekend and that rocked, went back to GF with Nelz and Jason, and that rocked even harder. Had some good times, interviewed a sub, and that was well, kickass. I collared my sub, and our arrangement is that he is mine and only mine when I'm in the state of MT. during the school year all bets are off, but woot for summers and breaks. i got a white suit, haircut, and later today I'm giving myself a peticure and manicure. I ordered a pair of chrome stiletto high heels, but I have no fucking clue where they are. the people at the business said they were shipped last friday, not the one that occured two days ago, the one that occurred a week from two days ago. I payed for three day shipping so I could have them on time, but no such luck. No idea where in the hell they are, but damn it, I still have my other 5.5 in pumps, and it's all good. Current Mood: Fabulous Current Music: "Rompe" - Daddy Yankee (Comment on this)
Friday, June 9th, 2006
8:49 pm	News Flash, most boys suck. I'm sick of horny boys. I'm sick of horny boys who only want sex. AND I'M FUCKING BORED WITH SEX. BORED WITH IT, DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME? THIS IS A FIRST. THE FIRST AND PROBABLY LAST TIME YOU'LL EVER HEAR ME SAY IT. Oh yea, I'm also tired of boyfriends who don't call or email to say, "Hey, I got back to the states ok." Is it so hard to send a message saying, "I'm ok" when you're online 24-fucking-7? Damn it.... where the fuck are women who aren't either my friends, sluts, or druggies? Goddamn it. god god damn it. I need to be drunk or sedated. Current Mood: pissed off Current Music: "Blow my whistle" (Comment on this)
Monday, June 5th, 2006
11:01 pm	I miss having friends only 3 blocks away. I miss men who actually give a rat's ass. I swear, I'm just waiting for my dyke on a harley to come carry me off. looking forward to pride weekend. that's probably all I'm looking forward to right now. Current Mood: blank Current Music: "Ojo Asi" - Shakira (Comment on this)
Monday, May 22nd, 2006
5:57 pm	Woot. I now have 3 jobs. I'm ranch sitting and doing chores for Ann again as well as Genie and the job at the Pan Handler. I think what's gonna happen is that I'll get off work at the Pan Handler at 4:30, catch the 5 O'clock bus home, change then eat something in a hurry then run off to one of the ranches, on alternating days. First day at the Pan Handler today, and I'm tired. I put the entire stock of cast iron ware into the computer then hauled it all upstairs n' stuff. along with another 4 or 5 lists of inventory. I swear I'm going to be more fit by the end of the summer... sheesh. Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: Watching tv...bleh (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 18th, 2006
5:55 pm	Turns out I still have friends this town. Who knew? Spent the afternoon with Karl, having coffee and laughing. Lovely indeed to know we're still friends and what not. Got 2 jobs now, one down at the Pan Handler again, and the other one is working for Nelz's Mom on her ranch. :D I don't know when I'm supposed to be out there, but I'll give them a call later. Whoopee! Saw Nelz and Jason last night, which was fun, and went to lunch with Chrystal today. something funny about every time I go downtown, At least one boy tries to pick me up. I was busy yesterday and today was sort of funny, because I knew he wanted to ask me out or something, I just sort of laughed inside my head at his pathetic attempts at flirting. I don't normally say pathetic.... but damn. I wrote Joe yesterday, and I hope to hear from him again sometime.... I hope he's having a blast in Greece, it's so exciting that he got to go :D I'm going to go see Sage tonight, I hope he's doing well. Springer died of Collick. Sad... he was such a sweetie. Now there's another mare out there. darn females, but oh well. If she's half as nice as Springer was, it'll be alright I guess. *pout* Oh yea, I popped 5 ft of bubble wrap last night because of sexual frustration. lol. Current Mood: amused Current Music: "Coin Operated Boy" - The Dresden Dolls (Comment on this)
Friday, May 12th, 2006
5:37 pm	I'm home. I'm applying for jobs. I've got Nels and Jason's wedding presents. Joe emailed and he left on his plane to Greece yesterday morning. I'm looking forward to the wedding tomarrow, and that'll be pretty cool. I realized that there's only one person around here anymore with time to hang out. Chrystal is great. Everyone else has work or family stuff, which is cool, but it's also nice to have someone to chill out with... I miss Indiana for that reason. If there was free time, all I had to do was call or message someone and walk the two or three blocks to their house. Here, everyone's so fucking far away, and no one has time anymore. Oh well... I have my dog, I have my cat, and I have my internet. Current Mood: blah Current Music: "Yakalarsam" by Tarkan (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 2nd, 2006
1:30 am	My god, I'm done. Im done with my first year of college.... wow.... It seems like it flew by. So, my german test was at 8 AM, and that went pretty well, the last class for Persons and Systems was alright, it was presentations, but I didn't really pay attention, the presentations were poorly constructed, and poorly presented with many "umm..."'s and many fidgets...I read Charles Bukowski's biography through most of it. Granted, I did pay attention to the people who payed attention to my presentation... one person of the three who presented today. meh. I found a home for frog this summer. If I can get someone to take him over the month of May, Joe's agreed to look after him for the rest of the summer, and I'm paying for guppies to feed frog and D-batteries to keep their air pump, pumping. I'm really happy... I can't believe I did it. I'm a college student... holy shit. lol. Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: "Nathesha Kautoum" (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 23rd, 2006
5:47 pm	MMM HAPPY!!!! Conversation hopeful. muchly happy. there's hope! I may not be getting fucked over after next school year afterall! on another note, I need to start being productful. I haven't been doing much and it's taken it's toll. I have so much shit to do right now, I think my head is going to explode or sommat. No sleep for me this week. I shit you not, I probably won't. Current Mood: rushed Current Music: "Shame on you" - hot hot heat (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 18th, 2006
1:52 am	There's something really decadent about laying on your bed, a warm breeze blowing in through the window, in nothing but your underwear reading Bukowski and Furlinghetti and sucking on tiny bits of dark chocolate. So lovely. That was my day. Then there was sleep. Studying and pizza. Cigarettes and Joe with Great conversations over movies and trips and people some of us barely knew Feels great to be lazy just once in a while. Current Mood: content Current Music: "Queen Anne's Revenge" - Flogging Molly (Comment on this)
Monday, April 17th, 2006
11:06 am	I'm happy, This weekend was great. I cut zack's hair on Friday, and it turned out ok. It looked better before Courtney started pissing me off telling me how to do it. I did a damn good job the first time, then the second time blew. But he doesn't seem to mind, he didn't shave it all off. I gave his beard a trim too because it was starting to look like a nasty case of rat's nest on the chin. Mom came up on saturday, we went to lunch with Joe at the 5th street bagel company. The lady I had asked if they were open because I was going to bring my Mom up on Saturday, brought us a plate of free cookies to share with my Mom. :) She invited Joe up to Montana next fall over break, and I really hope he can come. i'm going to save up some money to pay for his tickets, because he can't do that himself. But it'd be great to have him come visit. Mom liked him, and said we reminded her of her and Dad. So nice... we dropped Joe off at Charlies, then went shopping. I don't usually enjoy shopping, but it was nice to spend time with mom. we found an outfit that met Nelz's requirements for the groom's maids. Got a beautiful dress as well, it's cloud gray, just like I had always wanted since I was little. Someday, if I ever get married, I want my dress to either be a typical white one (which won't be true, but then again, I'm nothing close to catholic or christian) or a light bright cloud gray because it's pretty. we went out to dinner at the Jade House and picked up some food for Joe because he probably hadn't eaten since breakfast. we went to the David Butler Dance Orchestra concert at Charlie's and then Mom left, It was great to see her. Then I went back and hung outwith Joe and Satya and met their friend Amy. Yesterday was lovely too, I woke up, downloaded some music, then went out to dinner with Joe and his Mother for Easter. It was nice to spend time with them. Ray came by last night to see what was up. Haven't seen him in ages, and it was nice. I'm off to lunch then to nap, and then to study german for a test I thought was on Thursday, but is actually tomarrow. Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: "Slide" - The Dresden Dolls (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 12th, 2006
1:02 pm	You scored 53 Heterosexuality, 57 Homosexuality, and 3 Asexuality! You are bisexual (with no preference for either gender) with a moderate to high sex drive. A higher asexuality score means that you place a bigger emphasis on the emotional aspects of a relationship and less on the physical. My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 34% on Heterosexuality You scored higher than 74% on Homosexuality You scored higher than 2% on Asexuality Link: The 3-Variable Sexuality Spectrum Test written by kitsunechild on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test Current Mood: amused Current Music: "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" -Wheezer (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 8th, 2006
5:19 pm	Even though it feels good to get work done, it feels good to have a good time too. Yesterday rocked! Hung out with new friend Josh, went for a walk and showed him around campus, because although he grew up near Richmond, and was a prospie, he never saw Earlham Campus or paid attention when he did. Hung out with Joe, Megan and her bf Kenny, and Mike and Tony all night listening, playing and dancing to music, with some drinking. I fell asleep on the couch during Joe and Mike's chess game and JOe woke me up so we could go sleep in the upstairs bed. It was real nice. Joe wants to come back with me to Montana some time, and sit down and have a beer with my Dad. Amazing how sweet things can be. Woke up, walked back, we didn't make it to the concert at the park today, but I got some new music on Ourtunes, and IMed Joe to see if he was hungry, cuz there's a picnic going on outside with lots of left over food they're giving away for free. Finished filling out forms for some health stuff. Made an appointment for next Friday. Made another appointment with my advisor for Monday to talk about next years classes and register. :) i've gotta catch up on Moby Dick today and finish Metals tonight or tomarrow. I also have to write and finish researching my project. I don't know when my presentation is, and that's a must find out. Life is good... I'm so happy with life, and Joe, and everything. Current Mood: happy Current Music: Something written in another language's characters (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 6th, 2006
10:38 pm	If you tore the legs off an ant, it'd look like a snowman. It's been a good week. spent time with Joe, spent time with Courtney, and spent time with James. I got hope on my project, talked with the other prof in the Persons & systems class and he let me broaden the topic. There's a crapload more on the topic of deinstitutionalization. i've been exercising just about every night so far, except for one so far. That day I had walked all over town, and was tired. I've been jogging 3 miles and doing about 40 sit ups give or take 5. I should be working on my arms, but metals seems to be taking care of that. Alright, I'm going off to go shower, just left the gym, and I'm gonna get some work on metals done. sigh.... running out of time on my project, but at least now there's hope. Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: "Tell it to my heart" - 100% dance thinger (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 1st, 2006
2:10 pm	Homophobia is wrong. No ifs ands or buts. -- I am the boy who never finished high school, because I got called a fag everyday I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian. I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman. I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights. We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time. I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room. I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me. I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear. We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men. I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me. I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman. I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman. I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male. I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men. I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that. I am the woman who died when the EMTs stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual. I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didnt have to always deal with society hating me. I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind. I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love. I am the person ashamed to tell my own friends im a lesbian, because they constantly make fun of them. I am the boy tied to a fence, beaten to a bloody pulp and left to die because two straight men wanted to "teach me a lesson" Current Music: "Time of the Season" - The Zombies (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 30th, 2006
2:36 am	The day started out fine, and went uphill until about 9:30 tonight. I got my dress, it's beautiful, and the lady who sold it to me was so pleased with how I looked, she told me that if she ever had a fashion show that she wanted me to bring my dress back and model it. she also wanted a picture and managed to come down and brag to the ladies at the counter where I was buying my garlic and cream cheese bagel. I went back and that was good. Joe was disappointed I went without him. I tried to find him and then stopped before going to Peace House because I thought he had class. I came back and ... hell, what the fuck did I do? oh yea, I went to class then to the coffeeshop. Spent time with Joe there, then later went to Poetheads which never happened. got to listen to Joe practice, which was beautiful, and a treat for the ears indeed. Then Devin showed up, and that was fine for a while. Joe seems sick of me, so I'll let him be. I went out to James's house tonight (the new AD) and we watched comedy shows and "The Corpse Bride." interesting, not awful. got a ride home and here I am, feeling depressed because I feel unwanted. I have a quiz to study for tomarrow, and I don't want to.... I need to get back on the horse and finish strong in these last four weeks. only four weeks to go..... four fucking weeks until I have to go back to Montana for the summer and get a job. I don't object to any of that, but I do object to leaving here. I like it here, and I like Joe, and Devin, and Mike and his partner Tony, and Satya. I don't want to leave them for the summer. I don't want to go back to Montana where I've got more work to do, same drama to deal with, and see people who want me to fix them, and have sex with them. I don't want to get up and go to class, because I'm rethinking on what I want to major in. My goals still haven't changed, but damn, this workload is breaking my fucking back. In an effort to get that group project together because no one else was pulling their weight except Nora, I ended up doing most of the work, editing all their parts of the whole paper, and in all of this, I forgot to write an essay for another class. I have projects to do for metals, and another project in that class persons and systems, a quiz tomarrow in german and a test next monday. I feel swamped, and I just..... I tried eating chocolate, I tried apples, (both of which usually cheer me up) I tried getting massages, I tried getting a new dress, I tried sleeping more during the day, I tried sitting out under the trees, and walking. All of these things usually cheer me up.... but feeling unwanted is .... well, hard. I want to study and get this german shit done, but ... my brain isn't concentrating. could it be that it's almost 4 in the morning that's doing this? maybe. that class that I forgot the essay in, my grades are slipping, or rather, never were that great to begin with because I just couldn't understand the stupid essays and what the teacher wanted. I can't afford to lose that grade, I can't afford to get another shitty grade on my german, my last quiz passed, but sucked, and my metals project isn't going anywhere. my motivation went down the shitter after the group project. I tried, and damn it, I didn't fail, but it seems like everything else is going wrong. I could use a hug, but I don't think anyone would do that for me here. I got to thinking about Karl again, which didn't help, you know, I miss him a lot, and then boom, i read Bukowski, which inspired me to go to Peace House for the Poetheads that never happened. maybe I'll study then take a long ass walk around until class time. I need sleep, but if it gets to the point where sleep would just be a waste of time, where it's getting close to, I might as well just... not. So tired and burnt out and lonely. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: "I just shot John Lennon" - cranberries (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 28th, 2006
10:23 am	It's a lovely day outside. The rain is just barely drizzling, it's not cold, but it's not warm either. I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to lay in bed forever. If I could lay in the rain I would, but eventually I'd have to get up, and that would mean dealing with soggy clothing. Feeling depressed. Lunch can't seem to get here fast enough. The sooner I eat, the sooner I can sleep. Frog's not eating, sigh... I'm looking forward to seeing Joe today, but I'm not excited about anything. I'm looking forward to getting my dress, but I realized that I couldn't keep my mohawk if I get that dress. I'm frustrated with my individual project. There's nothing anywhere that's not opinion on my topic, and I'm not allowed to use opinion. Or the internet. it's a load of bullshit. There's only one thing on my topic directly, and that's a tiny file on microfilm. I should be yelling about it, but I just feel discouraged. I feel discouraged with the stupid class, it's for my intended major, but goddamn.... so huge a work load that it seems like it's not worth it to double major. Maybe i'll just stick with metals and be happy with that. There's some other stuff going on, but due to the nature of said events, I'm not going to say anything in case it accidently hurts the other person involved. This is one mess i actually didn't get myself into. Current Mood: apathetic Current Music: "Bang bang boom" - the Moffats (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 25th, 2006
6:14 pm	This has been an amazing day. I went to see Joe sing last night at Sacred Grounds coffeeshop. Hung out with Josh earlier and watched "Deuce Bigalow, European Gigalo." yea...Not the greatest movie ever, but I had needed something for the night before to laugh at. I got really sick and vomitted about 2 ounces of blood up. So, don't knock my movie choice, I needed to chuckle at stupid stuff. But yea... Then Josh gave me a lift to Sacred Grounds. Joe was playing and did wonderfully. Satya, Devin and I hung out for a bit, and then this guy Dan who's been friends with Joe's older brother, and now Joe came and talked with me. It was great! He gave me a great link for getting stuff for metal working. That'll definitely be great. Joe later told me it was a wonder we got along, because he doesn't normally take well to friend's girlfriends. I think we got on because I was in a ... boisterous mood and didn't mind laughing at cunt jokes and racial jokes an shit.... Nothin being serious of course, just playing around. A mutual understanding if you will. But on that note, Satya gave me a lift home and we had a beer, she fell asleep, and by the time Joe got back from dropping off equiptment, Satya was ready to leave, so Joe and I went back to Peace house and watched a movie, and went to bed. This morning was good too, morning meaning 2 PM, we went to 5th street bagel shop and had lunch, Joe treated me since he had gotten paid yesterday for the gig. We looked at a vintage clothing store, and it was nice, he got a hat and I put this stunning dress with lace on lay away for wednesday. :D So cool! It's a little black dress, with off the shoulders straps that are lace that extends in a V to the front. It has little pearl beads on the lace. I never liked lace before! It's pretty like this when it's understated. The dress top has stays to maintain figure.... I've never found a dress that fit so well.... I don't even have to suck in my tummy! woot! So Joe and I went back to Peace house, and watched "Guess Who"... funny shit, again, not the greatest, but it's somethin. So yea.... Now I'm deciding what I want for dinner. I think Pizza Hut.... For some reason, Pizza and beer sounds like a good combination... hm. Maybe just soda...sigh. I should be working on projects, and I will.... I'm just really frustrated with one, and really tired of hurting my hands on the next one. grumble, and I have to get to an ATM, so plz excuse me. Lataz! Current Mood: happy Current Music: "Sir Duke" - Stevie Wonder (Comment on this)